The one piece of advice you need about womanhood

Forget all the other pieces of advice you have heard

This one actually matters........

 

As you prepare to become a "full adult" and as you move into new phases of life you will often encounter "shoulds " for each stage. These messages of what you should be doing can come from family members, friends, teachers, mentors, or targeted posts on social media (have you noticed that things are placed on your timeline based on your searches or demographics?). I have read more than my fair share of "What you should do by the time you are 30" or "Things to do in your 20s" type posts and I want to share my own wisdom.

Life is a unique experience for each person. I have known women close to my grandmother's age that went back to school for a first or new degree. I have met a woman that decided to take up sky diving at the ripe age of 70. Living your life based on others, especially others who don't know your story, is a great way to set yourself up for failure and disappointment. You will be trying to meet guidelines for someone else's life and may find later that you haven't done what you want to do with your life. Another side effect of reading and subscribing to these lists is thinking that if you haven’t been able to check things off yet that you should just throw in the towel. i.e. haven’t started college by 20= school's not for me.

So with this in mind, my advice is much more practical and it involves clothes.



 

One piece from my Cato's shopping trip

When you are in school {high school and college}there are always opportunities to purchase a shirt for this or that thing. Also there are plenty of times when you can get shirts for free. These shirts can seem meaningless and may be something you consider tossing when you are "so done with childish things". I would suggest keeping some and also getting a few of them in a size or two bigger than you currently wear.

1. Not everyone gains size changing weight as they age, but everyone's body changes (boobies, babies, muscle gains)
2. Nothing can prepare you for how nice fitting into a high school or college shirt in your 30's feels
3. People stop giving you free shirts as you age and when you have to pay to stay in a hotel, pay for away from home food etc. for reunions trust me you will want a shirt in school colors that is $free.99
4. There will come a time when you want to remember the experiences that made you who you are, for many people those times occur in school

End practical advice, go enjoy life.

What its like turning 30

This post was originally going to be titled "How I Know I'm Old" but I could hear the mouths of everyone reading over 30 so I chickened out. 

I want to preface this by saying I am not old. I know in the grand scheme of things I am not old. BUT in terms of how old I have previously been thus far in life....I am old.

That time I asked for a robe for Christmas

1. I find most hip hop/rap either incredibly stupid or am appalled by its disgusting nature. 
2. I can't stomach most pop music because it repeats the same 10 words over and over though that is what I used to love about it 
3. I was picked for a Anti-aging product test, 30 is not old enough for advanced intervention facially, at least not for me. 
4. The idea of dating and dressing up has lost its appeal.... Can't I just wear my sweats?
5. I wait each week to see where the new grays will pop up. I remember being excited about them before.  Now I dread them,  because they are stubborn and short and I will have to wear wigs when I am fully gray.
6. I take a lot of pictures like this....
   
   
7. And the most annoying of all of these is the aches and pains. If I hit my finger today it will hurt the rest of the week, but I won't remember the reason. If I sit how I've always sat my knees will randomly decide they have had enough. Or I will switch positions on the couch and strain my hip (like literally this happened to me).

I have been very upset but this new thoughtful music selector me. Why do I care so much what idiotic thing a rapper used to rhyme his verses? Why can't I mindlessly sing along like I used to?

I think the answer to this is that now I care what my choices say about me. I am a professional and a person that hopes to be a parent one day. I think it matters who I support and represent through my choices. I also can't be a hypocrite when I talk to my under 18 clients. I have led discussions about healthy music so being caught in the grocery store parking lot singing along to "Trap Queen" might not be a good look.

Overall really my only complaint with getting "old" is saying goodbye to some facets of the old me. Though I can say that I am really enjoying so many aspects of this stage of life. This year - first as a 30 year old- I have crossed many things off of my to do list. I began singing again, I broke my dance training hiatus, and participated in two productions that built my acting skills.

I am more adventurous and realize that there is no time like the present. While as a child I may have dreamed of being a dancing, singing, acting celebrity. I never imagined finding a passion in my career field that was in no way related to these things. For many years I felt that this career path meant that I had to give up those dreams that were still very much a part of my being. This year I said "that's stupid, you dream for a reason".

So that is it my wisdom about getting "older". Things will change, so will you, but you can be an even greater you. If you want to, and put in the work to get there.

Open letter to my former dance teachers

Dear Former Dance Teachers,
I really wish that I could say that I have many warm memories of our time together but I do not. I joined the team after having danced for four years in high school with instructors that as a whole encouraged, supported and pushed me to be greater. While on your team I had two directors one lets call her Ms. Scale (because she made us weight in prior to performances) and the other lets call her Mrs. Put Down (because she questioned why I even made the team) who effectively broke my spirit.

Below you see me kicking with teammates during football season.

 

When I made the college dance team I was overjoyed. It was something I  dreamed about since I discovered dance. I went into the first semester with a great group of girls who were welcoming and fun. Unfortunately, I had also left home for the first time and knew no one going into my first year of college. There were also some issues back home that were never very far from my mind.

 

As football season got underway I was moving ahead with a relationship which would set the tone for my adult dating life. My boyfriend was doting and romantic by most accounts. He was also possessive, jealous, angry at the drop of a hat, and demeaning at times. Dance had always been my outlet so I looked forward to getting to practice.

 

I thought it was weird that we had to weigh in before practices but I went with it. After all Ms. Scale knew best. When I noticed a really sweet teammate not make the weekly cuts week after week, though she was a beautiful dancer, I was worried. When my body was sore from daily practices and aerobics class I asked you (Ms. Scale) if I should drop aerobics. Your response still haunts me, as you said I should stay in it for my weight. At this point in my life I had never thought about my weight. I was 5'3" about 120-125 lbs. (As you see me above.)

 

So after my first injury that year I kept going to practice, aerobics and now the trainer. All of which worked my injured shoulder with no rest. I also began to think around this time that my relationship was not as great as I had thought, but couldn't really seem to get out of it. Then a change happened. Mrs. Put Down took over the reigns.

 

At first I was excited to get to know you (Mrs. Put Down), but this quickly changed. During this time I was having health issues of the female variety. I often felt weak, had trouble getting out of bed and fainted from time to time. I also suffered some dance related issues including a pulled groin and ankle issues. While we prepped for competition you saw me get knocked out of the air and land on my ankle. You of course suggested I sit down that day but there was not much time to recoup. So I struggled to understand your lack of empathy for my difficulty doing turns on that same ankle.

I never saw a doctor during this time. Like many students in that time period I had no health insurance. Based on your attitude I felt like I should just be able to do better. You said to my face that you were not sure why I had made the team at all. You went on to say at a later time that I could not do switch leaps, triple turns, or fouettes. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Though I was not sure how anyone could do turns on the cheerleading mat, but if you said it I assumed it was just me.

 

Dance was no longer my outlet, it was the dreaded part of my day. Tryouts for competition came and for the first time in my life I did not make the cut. As if this was not hard enough I was the only person on the team that had been cut. I was expected to come to practice to run a routine I would not be a part of. At this point for the first time in my life I gave up. I could not bring myself to show up to practice. I contemplated quitting, which made no sense as dance was my life.

 

Prior to tryouts you told me that I needed extra practice with you, but you never scheduled it. You also told me that I needed to take dance classes over the summer, but I had no idea how I would pay for that. After I was cut you told me that next year you could see me on the football season team, but that you saw your elite dancers performing at competition. I understood you to mean this did not include me. So the message I received was that you had no hope for me improving. Even with the dance classes I needed you had counted me out.

 

So I decided not to tryout next year and spent the next three years of college missing dance. When I left school I got back into dance immediately and spent five years as a senior company member and dance teacher. I competed and performed often, once aboard a Carnival! cruise. I did triple pirouettes, switch leaps, and fouttes. There was something so empowering about being told that I could do something even though I could not do it initially. I still struggled with that shoulder and that ankle. Now 11 years later I still have trouble with my ankle. I finally saw a doctor and was told that my old injury had resulted in a torn ligament. The dancing that I had done on my unhealed ankle led to a loose mend that still causes instability. I also had a torn rotator cuff but I am not sure when that happened.

 

As I look back to my first year in college. I have some good and fun memories. I also realize that I was depressed and in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I believe this had a lot to do with my performance on the team as well as the physical injuries that needed appropriate time to heal. I also realize that my weight became a major concern in my life. Ever since I have been attempting to "keep it under control" I have felt unable to. I also still struggle with feeling that I am good enough as a dancer.

 

I have tried to get over my experiences with both of you, Ms. and Mrs., and struggle with this. It wasn't until I was talking to a fellow therapist that I realized that this time was traumatic for me. I was a well adjusted young woman in regard to my weight and now I am fixated and feel like a failure for not being able to control it. I also avoid reunions with the team because if I was at risk then I am a disgrace now. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. following graduation, you said "did you finally graduate?". Its like just being cordial is outside of your abilities when it comes to me. I started college in 2003 and finished in 2007 I think I did pretty well where time is concerned.

 

It has taken me a lot of work to get back to accepting myself as a dancer even though I can not live life without dance. I wish that you knew how much your words hurt me at a time that I was already so vulnerable. I looked up to you as someone who was doing what I wanted to do. I trusted your opinions and your suggestions. Tough love is something that works for some but for me it is deflating.

 

If you get nothing else from this letter I hope that you understand the need to support other women. Accept them for what they bring to the table because everyone brings something. Also as a coach you should be a person that your team members can go to for support. I needed someone on campus to notice what I was going through. Things could have gone very bad for me, I could have ended my life or had it ended if my relationship had continued down the path that so many do when they start with emotional abuse. I came to dance because I was good at it and because it was a welcoming place. Both of those things were taken from me and I am still working on my recovery.

 

Sincerely,

Unappreciated/deflated young dancer

How I reclaimed my weekends

For some reason I made the decision that weekends were for chores

 

 

So without fail every weekend I would guilt myself for not doing enough

 

Then I realized the weekends are for rest DAMN IT!

 

 

 

 

 

Pinterest to the rescue!!!

 

I created a simple way to keep my home clean/organized and rest on the weekends

 

 

This week was my first using this schedule. I didn't get everything completely done but I have no stress about finishing any more chores until the next scheduled days.

My weekends are for puppy time, family time, veg'ing out  (Just in time for Every Simpsons Ever), and spending times with friends. Oh and doing my hair, but not for cleaning my place.

 

 

Consider the weekend reclaimed!



The thirst is real!

The thirst

An epidemic that seems to be spreading fast. Where a male or female does anything for a the opposite sex because they are yearning for attention or sex. Only way to be cured is to get what they are desperately needing. Seems incurable tho..

From Urban Dictionary

 

If you are unfamiliar with "the thirst" don't worry so was I until it happened to me.

 

As you know if you have read me before I have been single for most of the last decade, I sound older when I say that :). This has resulted in more frequent inquires about why I am single, a push from others to go on dates more often, more weddings and couplings of my friends, and an increased feeling of aloneness.

 

I have always been the type of person to keep a small circle of friends and to keep myself very busy with work, educational attainment, and hobbies. At some point since I moved to a new town and moved away from the familiar my usual methods of keeping my mind occupied have faded away. So when I am home on a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night and all of my 5 friends are busy living popping social lives I have too much time to think about how alone I am.

 

This has resulted in some very desperate things on my part which I have to beg myself forgiveness for. These things have included texting a guy who is obviously not interested in me (evidenced by his no longer calling, skyping, or texting me daily as per usual), calling up random people I associated with that obviously are not thinking of me, and a general perking up when any attractive man appears in my field of vision.

 

I have to do better.

 

So this Sunday I did a DIY project to update some new pieces of furniture that I acquired. I realized how much I enjoy creating, painting, and rocking out and singing badly. I also went on a date with a guy I usually would not have. I enjoyed myself and did not think about marrying him (too many times). Hey I'm a work in progress.

 

I am also doing a bible study regarding Love, Romance, and Marriage and it made me wonder if thirst is necessarily a bad thing. Jesus wants us to love others as he loved us. He wants us to be self sacrificing for the love of others. I don't believe that it is unreasonable to desire to have someone in my life that I want to tell "I love you". While I can see how being thirsty could be a turn off, it is also human nature. If no one loves a child that child will always seek love and have issues relating to others as they grow. If no one loves the dog you bring home you are likely to see many poor behaviors out of fear and a desire to be wanted.

 

Why then do people shame you for wanting something we are made to desire? Human life is all about building and nurturing relationships. Babies are born from people with relationships. Babies are needed to continue all life (with the exception of those self impregnating creatures out there).

 

So my plan henceforth is to continue to embrace my thirst, God wants me happy and coupled to give and receive love to the person he created for me. But in my thirst I will not (Okay I will try not to) harm myself in the process, i.e reaching out to old flames, or almost flames, expressing my feelings to someone who is emotional delayed (more than once), or have crazy hopes for someone I barely know.

 

I will also continue my thirst in regard to professional and educational attainment. I have already learned to love me. I want to learn to love others fully and in a manner befitting a queen.

Happy Tuesday!

~Love 

What I learned from going without

Back in May when I graduated from Graduate school I moved in with my parents in the DFW area. My dad got a house and was super excited about having a "home" again.

A few days ago "home" was less of a joy. My family and I spent about 3 days without the full use of our plumbing. This meant that we could not bathe/shower and could not flush our commodes. I was very upset about this because when you pay a good amount of money to stay in a home, you fully expect to be able to use the facilities.

I'm going to share the embarrassing things I did to get by during this time. I took "sink" baths (my mom has a much more colorful name for these hehe). I went to local businesses to do my "business". So while this was an uncomfortable time for me. I couldn't help but think about those for whom this is a normal thing.

If you have ever lived in Texas in the summer you know that a "wash off" will not cut it. So imagine that you have to go to work, go for an interview, or entertain your friends. The main thing that I noticed was simply not feeling confident and not wanting to get too close to people. I work from home and I didn't feel professional or up to work until I felt clean. I also worried when I had to go into patient's homes that I may not smell my best. I also struggled with the public-ness of having to go to public restrooms.

I only endured this for a few days and I never want this particular problem again. So just imagine that this is your life, and people are complaining about your smell, or running you out of their public restrooms for not being a patron. Imagine people judging you for not having a job, though you have no good place to go prepare yourself for one.

I wanted to share this because it helped me to think of others and their struggle when I experience someone down on their luck. I hope that someone else can also gain something from it as well.

Love

Day 6| Hardest thing I've experienced

What is the hardest thing I have experienced?

 

 

 

 

Now I really understand why this is called a challenge......

 

I am not sure that I feel comfortable describing the hardest thing(s) I have experienced on a public blog. That may sound like a cop out but I just don't. Many of the things I have experienced have taken me years to discuss with those that are closest to me.

 

 

There is a reason that I have wanted to help others in their lives, it is often said that when you have experienced trauma you want to help others who have as well.

 

I think for me that is true. I was able to come out of the hard things I have experienced and be relatively well adjusted. I will say that some of the topics I have a good handle on based on personal experience are: sexual trauma, and financial struggles.

November 6th, a hard day in my life

So November 6th began like any other day really...
I got up, went to my internship, came home did a few assignments for school, I got ready to teach dance, went to the studio, went to do a home assessment, then came home.

To flesh out that story let me add that for a few weeks I have been feeling less passionate about teaching dance as I don't feel challenged. I also don't have the opportunity to teach the same set of kids and see them grow. I have also really been missing dancing myself and want to get back to that. I have not decided if I want to continue to teach long term. So when I get to dance one of my students, no actually two told me that my class was boring and they were only there because their mothers made them attend. My heart broke a little, this on the heels of my older girls telling me they were no longer dancing but may return in 3 months (meaning competition and recital are out for them). So I tried really hard to power through the class and teach the students who like the class.
While teaching I was demonstrating and my knee gave out, first time for this and I started to feel old. This is hard because people think that I look young and I get treated like an insignificant person often, but my body is telling me I am old (irony). Luckily the way I fell worked out in the dance so not a total loss.

On my way to dance that night I felt really anxious for an unknown reason. Then while doing the home study about half way through I really wanted to leave and again I didn't know why. My mother had stayed at my home with my puppy so that she is not alone too much and while I was gone my bird died. When I got home my mother met me in the parking lot and told me. She had already disposed of my bird and I was sad that I didn't get to see her. All of a sudden my feelings that day made sense. I had been feeling for some time that my bird was sick and may die but tried to convince myself I was wrong. She passed almost a month short of 5 years time with me. I was not really prepared for this and I am still sad about it. She had been such a part of my home life as well as my life in general. I had been planning to make my next move a more permanent one so that she would not have to adjust again....unfortunately she won't be traveling with me again.

So November 6, 2012 was not the best day I have had this year...but life is hard sometimes. This is how we grow.

My sweet girl

Do you want what you can't have?

For several years I have been wondering why it was that the guys/men I liked did not reciprocate my feelings. While the guys I wanted nothing to do with or had dated once or twice were on me like bees on honey.

 I am currently experiencing a case of the latter, though I have never even actually gone on a date with him but I digress. I think I have it figured out....they want what they can't have. While the guys I do like know they could have me and its not so fun for them. For quite a while I have been of the opinion that I must be giving of some sort of signal that I was waiting for my husband to walk through the door and get me pregnant. Though I had made a conscious effort not to be too excited about guys I liked. Though why wouldn't I be excited about this, because it happens so infrequently lately....again I digress. But I don't think that is the problem. Men that are looking for fun want something to chase, while men looking for quality want something that everyone else can't have. So the woman who doesn't melt at the first cute thing a man says is worth the chase.

Knowing this though really doesn't help me though, because I feel that I would have to play a game to find a man. I am so not into games. If I like you I should be able to act accordingly and have you reciprocate if you feel the same. Yeah I would like to get married but I am not dumb enough to try to force that situation on a man that is not a good match for me. I may need to make a sign for that I can wear when I meet people.  (As well as one that says I am 27 treat me like a grown up...sorry I am aging well maybe you should try it.) I feel like so many men are scared that a woman wants to get married it is ridiculous. What am I going to do knock you over the head, drug you, and drive us to Vegas and force you to say yes?But so many men I have met seem to not want to date you if you want to get married and they aren't ready. I just don't get it. I would love to have a 6 month relationship with  great guy more than no relationship for the last 5 years, as has been the case.

I really have been considering accepting the fact that I may never find a romantic relationship. With what I encounter in my town that may not be a bad thing. My mother doesn't like when I say this but, marriage isn't meant for everyone. Maybe I am one of the unlucky or lucky ones depending on how you look at it. 

 

Things that make you go...hmmm  

Taking care of number one

A chance encounter last night has really brought to light the positive changes I have started to make in my life. I have been trying really hard to make decisions that may not feel good in the moment but I know are the best for me in the long run. I have also really decided not to settle for anything that is not what I feel is what God has in mind for me. For instance I don't think God wants me to settle for a man who is inconsiderate and self-centered. I would love to be with someone that I can dote over and who will do the same to me. A man who wants me to dote over him but gives the line of "you know I am not affectionate" as an excuse for him not doing the same is not good enough.

I have also been limiting the amount of situations I allow myself to invest in that will bring more stress to my life. I have a tendency to take on other's problems and attempt to fix them. I can't heal the world and every problem in it. I can be there for people without stressing myself over their issues and that is what I plan to do.

I would normally say that is is selfish for me to "take care of number one", but with all that I do for others if I don't do this who will? Along that same train of thought if I don't take care of me how long will it be before I am of no use to those that I help?

Take care of you :)

Lesson learned.....at a funeral

This past (March 17th) weekend I attended my best friend's grandfather's funeral services. I was there to help my friend through her loss. As I sat through the service some feelings that I thought I had handled resurfaced. Two summers ago I lost my grandfather, we were not that close due to the distance and my belief that he was a little scary. Yes I know I am 24 (at the time I was), but my five year old self always reemerged when I was around him.
 Several months after that I lost a teacher who had been like a mother to me during a really tough period in my life. She was diagnosed with cancer in my senior year of high school and I left for college soon after that. She often wanted me to come by to see her, but when I am honest with myself I know that I didn't because I didn't like the way cancer had taken the life and zest out of her.
So the unintended outcome of this funeral was that I saw how selfish I can be at times. I allowed my fear of death to keep me from a woman who supported me and didn't judge when she needed support. I avoided the type of relationship that I wanted with my grandfather because I couldn't see him through grown up eyes.
Though it is over stated enjoy the people in your lives while they are there, love them completely. Know them completely. Love is not selfish. Don't have regrets in any relationship that you cherish, it only deepens the loss.

Ms B

A warm smile,
a warmer heart,
a kind word,
an unchanging positive view,
faith in life and your place in it,
experience that has made you this secure,
a smart ass reply to those too negative to receive the positive,
years of "free love" and fun,
advice that is hands off

All of these things describe a woman who's warmth is too great to measure.  A woman that is like a grandmother to me who's health and wellness is ever on my mind. Until you are well enough to sit in your chair and share a much needed talk with me, there will be a sadness in my heart. But I have faith that what the Lord has in store for you is what is best and I know that it was his plan for you to enter and change my life forever. Thank you.