*Warning* sarcasm and cynicism below
So...I have been without a relationship (that has lasted longer than 2 months) for the past 6 years. I have really gotten used to being single but it is not really what I wanted for my life. I have been wondering lately if I want to be married with kids because that is what I am supposed to want or if it is because that is truly what I want for myself. Any time I even mention accepting that I may be single for life there is never a shortage of women that chime in shaming me for not having faith. I think it goes back to what Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche says in Flawless by Beyoncé. We are taught that women must strive for marriage and careers/success come second to that. I agree that the same pressure is not put on men. Its more than a little annoying that people feel it is necessary to shame me for not thinking that marriage is in the cards for me. I agree that God has all power and control and a plan for my life. I don't know what that is, neither does any other woman I encounter. So how do they know it is not possible that I am meant to be single?
But...how did I get here? First let's start with the most recent dating disappointment. I went out with a friend after a dance event. I was having fun dancing and enjoying myself. A very personable man comes up and talks to me and because I am trying to up my flirt game I flirted with him. We danced and joked and were as my bestie would say boo'd up for a while. He asked for my number and I faked jealousy when he appeared to be flirting with other girls. When I didn't hear from him the next two days I was cool with that, it was just fun to be engaged for a night. Then in typical 30+ fashion he contacted me after two days. We had cute text conversations and I was excited to have a conversation with a man that didn't make me want to throw up a little in my mouth (I get so tired of repeating myself with the online dating I have been attempting). I mean he had everything: a good vocabulary, he could dance, and he was the type that could sale you a mink coat in the middle of Texas summer. Then the red flag was thrown he said "look I will never make a promise to you I can't keep. I promise to tell you anything you ask." Now if you have never been completely kept in the dark by a dog of a man this may not seem like that bad of a thing to say but I saw it for what it was. He was laying the foundation to tell me later down the road that I should have asked him a certain something and because I didn't ask he didn't lie. So I did a little research- his Facebook was squeaky clean, then I searched for his name which revealed a honeymoon registry, which led to another Facebook search, which led to a wife who only 3 months ago had a baby. REALLY!?!?
Its not much of a loss for me but just thinking that this is why I am single...even the married guys are no good. Don't believe me? I know a married man that I have known for a while that offered a few years ago to father a child with me, the old fashioned way, and yes he was married at the time. This is the third married man that has seemed not to care about his wife while trying to woo me. And trust me I am not the type to give off the vibe that I would be cool with that. There have also been some less "violent" offenders: I talked to a guy on a dating site about my back and other things and the last comment from him was "well I guess you won't be having any good sex soon". The guy who took me out and argued with me about everything (such as the viability of Chinese food the next day) and ignored me (asked me questions I had literally just answered). The guys who I have known for years that will not talk to me for months on end and then reappear and expect that I have missed them, they get upset if I don't remember their birthdays or don't smile when they call.
I really feel like the world has become a place where we expect everything for nothing. Which translates into spoiled teens, women, and men. There is no longer a need to work for anything, if a man takes you out he doesn't have to be a gentlemen just show up and be prepared to receive. If a man has mistreated you in the past, all he has to do is not talk to you after the event for a year. By doing this he insures that when he does call you he can pretend to not know why you stopped talking and profess how much he has missed you, because you obviously feel the same. Imagine putting a book down and picking it back up where you left it and beginning to read again, women are just like that right?
My first relationship really laid the foundation for this. It was very traumatic and very public, he started the cheating. And not just an ordinary cheat, he cheated with my best friend who then stopped talking to me with no explanation for the next three years in high school. Every significant relationship I have had with a boy/man has involved me being cheated on. The last relationship I was in ended basically because my boyfriend was afraid of being dumped. So though I always pictured myself married with two children now all I can see is a child and a dog.
It may be wrong to be cynical but that is like telling a former CPS worker that children don't get abused everyday. I know that is a lie.
At this point my plan is to just try to enjoy the short period of dating when I enjoy talking to guys. The precedent has been so far that I will talk with them for a few days and either: they will stop communicating with me when I am not immediately available for a date; they say something offensive and I stop communicating with them; we go on a date and it goes no where; or we go on a date and I end up with a person that randomly texts me for months after that I no longer actually date.
With Valentine's day coming up (used to be my favorite holiday, the past 6 years it has been the most painful day of the year) I plan to love myself. I will don a saccharinely sweet outfit, treat myself to a date, and buy myself the gift I really want. What could be so wrong with that?