And I'm out

In just a few short days I will again be aboard a Carnival cruise ship on my way to Mexico. Can you say exciting? This trip I am looking forward to relaxing, the last trip was more a work/vacation. My previous dance studio performed and took classes aboard the ship and all of the activities were planned for me without input. So this time I am going with my best friend who is of similar interest and I cannot wait.
I will have to be unplugged, though I know I can do this because I did it before I am unsure of how. I mean my Sims are going to die (the drama). And who will know what I am doing on Facebook? But how important will I feel when I open my inbox on the 9th to find hundreds of emails just for me? :)
I am planning to read, lounge, attend activities, shop and journal. Here at home it is too easy to watch TV, browse the net, talk on the phone, or blog instead of really talking to myself. I often have epiphanies while blogging but they are not as deep as when I simply write my feelings with no regard for other's interpretation. Though I will not be having a true traveling the world moment, I am going for an Eat, Pray, Love type of experience. So wish me luck, anchors up!

Sunny side of single

So often I find myself thinking about the things

I don't like about being single...

I forget at times that there are things I enjoy

or areas in which I have grown as a single woman.

So of course the obvious is that I can come and go as I please..

Not that I go anywhere often but I have become so used to not factoring in another person it really is nice. I can have a random change of plans and the only one upset is me.

I also see that I have grown to be much more independent, I think as an only child and having the other history I do I was always independent. This has only been strengthened by really only doing things on my own. With this romantic love drought (so dramatic I know) I have really come to know myself. I can understand the things I do and what drives them so much better that I used to be able to. I also have a much better idea of who I want in my life and who I don't. Which means I am usually able to weed guys out before dating them, much to my dismay. Sometimes I will feel the need to go back only because I want to have dates. But though this keeps my social calendar empty, it protects me from harmful guys. Which means I have more time for my friends, when they have time for me (hint, hint).

 

It is so easy for people to see there being two options for singles: chronic daters and the sad/ lonely lot. I know that at times I focus on the lonely aspect of being single, but I like to think of myself as a singleton who is happy with me. Who else is there that knows me this well and can entertain me so efficiently? I mean when was the last time you hurt your own feelings or didn't talk to yourself? :)

November 6th, a hard day in my life

So November 6th began like any other day really...
I got up, went to my internship, came home did a few assignments for school, I got ready to teach dance, went to the studio, went to do a home assessment, then came home.

To flesh out that story let me add that for a few weeks I have been feeling less passionate about teaching dance as I don't feel challenged. I also don't have the opportunity to teach the same set of kids and see them grow. I have also really been missing dancing myself and want to get back to that. I have not decided if I want to continue to teach long term. So when I get to dance one of my students, no actually two told me that my class was boring and they were only there because their mothers made them attend. My heart broke a little, this on the heels of my older girls telling me they were no longer dancing but may return in 3 months (meaning competition and recital are out for them). So I tried really hard to power through the class and teach the students who like the class.
While teaching I was demonstrating and my knee gave out, first time for this and I started to feel old. This is hard because people think that I look young and I get treated like an insignificant person often, but my body is telling me I am old (irony). Luckily the way I fell worked out in the dance so not a total loss.

On my way to dance that night I felt really anxious for an unknown reason. Then while doing the home study about half way through I really wanted to leave and again I didn't know why. My mother had stayed at my home with my puppy so that she is not alone too much and while I was gone my bird died. When I got home my mother met me in the parking lot and told me. She had already disposed of my bird and I was sad that I didn't get to see her. All of a sudden my feelings that day made sense. I had been feeling for some time that my bird was sick and may die but tried to convince myself I was wrong. She passed almost a month short of 5 years time with me. I was not really prepared for this and I am still sad about it. She had been such a part of my home life as well as my life in general. I had been planning to make my next move a more permanent one so that she would not have to adjust again....unfortunately she won't be traveling with me again.

So November 6, 2012 was not the best day I have had this year...but life is hard sometimes. This is how we grow.

My sweet girl

1000th view

My blog has hit over 1000 views....I am oh so excited!

To anyone that reads my blogs consistently thanks so much.

I am always striving to be understood by people, and feel that only a few people understand me or really try to.

 

I am happy that I am able to share my thoughts and get them out of my head, it keeps me from ruminating too much.

 

Again so happy about my little accomplishment....tell your friends about my blog please.

Golds and kids

Dating in Waco...

When I was in high school dating a guy with gold teeth was acceptable, almost cool. I mean they looked like rappers and what teen aged girl in the 90's- 00's didn't love a rapper? As I attended college and learned things, becoming a women in the process the things that I looked for in a man changed greatly. Rappers though still entertaining often lacked in substance. It often seems they are chasing the material over the more intangible gains one can find.
When I returned to my home town after college I often ran into men I knew in high school. They often times still seemed to have the same goals as they did 10 or more years ago. I usually go out with them on the premise of what I knew of them in high school but later find that they are lacking in growth similar to mine. How exactly do you tell a man that his gold teeth are now a turn off for you and you were hoping to find a man with less than 1-2 children?
I am all for a hard working, manual labor type of guy, my dad is such a man. But I really want to find someone with at least the possibility of upward movement at work, as well as the desire to move up in the world. I grew up struggling and I don't want to ever experience that again. When a 25 + man tells me that his goal in life is to be a rapper I cringe a little. Its like my desire to be a professional dancer, or  a good basketball player from high school hoping to go pro along with the thousands of others with the same dream.  Its great to dream but when you never put your hands on an attainable goal it seems like you can go forever holding on to that goal that may never come true.
Now back to the child issue, don't get me wrong I love children. I have worked with them since I was one. But dating a man with children is so complicated. There is usually an issue of one or the other parent not completely being over the other. There are is the issue of visitation which limits the amount of time for dating. There is also the issue of timing for meeting the child/ren and any issues this causes for mom. I have had guys want to take me to meet their children on the first date, or the ones you date for months that never even consider you meeting their child which begs the question....how important are you in their lives? Dating is hard enough with out complicating things more with baby mama drama....I couldn't resist the phrasing.

I really feel that I am just over the whole dating thing. The men I want don't seem to feel the same, those that I would consider dating often have the child/gold problem, and those that chase me seem not to really know me so I doubt their intentions. Maybe I will forever be single and crabby....but I guess I would have nothing to talk about if I had someone great to date :)