Open letter to my former dance teachers

Dear Former Dance Teachers,
I really wish that I could say that I have many warm memories of our time together but I do not. I joined the team after having danced for four years in high school with instructors that as a whole encouraged, supported and pushed me to be greater. While on your team I had two directors one lets call her Ms. Scale (because she made us weight in prior to performances) and the other lets call her Mrs. Put Down (because she questioned why I even made the team) who effectively broke my spirit.

Below you see me kicking with teammates during football season.

 

When I made the college dance team I was overjoyed. It was something I  dreamed about since I discovered dance. I went into the first semester with a great group of girls who were welcoming and fun. Unfortunately, I had also left home for the first time and knew no one going into my first year of college. There were also some issues back home that were never very far from my mind.

 

As football season got underway I was moving ahead with a relationship which would set the tone for my adult dating life. My boyfriend was doting and romantic by most accounts. He was also possessive, jealous, angry at the drop of a hat, and demeaning at times. Dance had always been my outlet so I looked forward to getting to practice.

 

I thought it was weird that we had to weigh in before practices but I went with it. After all Ms. Scale knew best. When I noticed a really sweet teammate not make the weekly cuts week after week, though she was a beautiful dancer, I was worried. When my body was sore from daily practices and aerobics class I asked you (Ms. Scale) if I should drop aerobics. Your response still haunts me, as you said I should stay in it for my weight. At this point in my life I had never thought about my weight. I was 5'3" about 120-125 lbs. (As you see me above.)

 

So after my first injury that year I kept going to practice, aerobics and now the trainer. All of which worked my injured shoulder with no rest. I also began to think around this time that my relationship was not as great as I had thought, but couldn't really seem to get out of it. Then a change happened. Mrs. Put Down took over the reigns.

 

At first I was excited to get to know you (Mrs. Put Down), but this quickly changed. During this time I was having health issues of the female variety. I often felt weak, had trouble getting out of bed and fainted from time to time. I also suffered some dance related issues including a pulled groin and ankle issues. While we prepped for competition you saw me get knocked out of the air and land on my ankle. You of course suggested I sit down that day but there was not much time to recoup. So I struggled to understand your lack of empathy for my difficulty doing turns on that same ankle.

I never saw a doctor during this time. Like many students in that time period I had no health insurance. Based on your attitude I felt like I should just be able to do better. You said to my face that you were not sure why I had made the team at all. You went on to say at a later time that I could not do switch leaps, triple turns, or fouettes. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Though I was not sure how anyone could do turns on the cheerleading mat, but if you said it I assumed it was just me.

 

Dance was no longer my outlet, it was the dreaded part of my day. Tryouts for competition came and for the first time in my life I did not make the cut. As if this was not hard enough I was the only person on the team that had been cut. I was expected to come to practice to run a routine I would not be a part of. At this point for the first time in my life I gave up. I could not bring myself to show up to practice. I contemplated quitting, which made no sense as dance was my life.

 

Prior to tryouts you told me that I needed extra practice with you, but you never scheduled it. You also told me that I needed to take dance classes over the summer, but I had no idea how I would pay for that. After I was cut you told me that next year you could see me on the football season team, but that you saw your elite dancers performing at competition. I understood you to mean this did not include me. So the message I received was that you had no hope for me improving. Even with the dance classes I needed you had counted me out.

 

So I decided not to tryout next year and spent the next three years of college missing dance. When I left school I got back into dance immediately and spent five years as a senior company member and dance teacher. I competed and performed often, once aboard a Carnival! cruise. I did triple pirouettes, switch leaps, and fouttes. There was something so empowering about being told that I could do something even though I could not do it initially. I still struggled with that shoulder and that ankle. Now 11 years later I still have trouble with my ankle. I finally saw a doctor and was told that my old injury had resulted in a torn ligament. The dancing that I had done on my unhealed ankle led to a loose mend that still causes instability. I also had a torn rotator cuff but I am not sure when that happened.

 

As I look back to my first year in college. I have some good and fun memories. I also realize that I was depressed and in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I believe this had a lot to do with my performance on the team as well as the physical injuries that needed appropriate time to heal. I also realize that my weight became a major concern in my life. Ever since I have been attempting to "keep it under control" I have felt unable to. I also still struggle with feeling that I am good enough as a dancer.

 

I have tried to get over my experiences with both of you, Ms. and Mrs., and struggle with this. It wasn't until I was talking to a fellow therapist that I realized that this time was traumatic for me. I was a well adjusted young woman in regard to my weight and now I am fixated and feel like a failure for not being able to control it. I also avoid reunions with the team because if I was at risk then I am a disgrace now. I remember the first time I saw Mrs. following graduation, you said "did you finally graduate?". Its like just being cordial is outside of your abilities when it comes to me. I started college in 2003 and finished in 2007 I think I did pretty well where time is concerned.

 

It has taken me a lot of work to get back to accepting myself as a dancer even though I can not live life without dance. I wish that you knew how much your words hurt me at a time that I was already so vulnerable. I looked up to you as someone who was doing what I wanted to do. I trusted your opinions and your suggestions. Tough love is something that works for some but for me it is deflating.

 

If you get nothing else from this letter I hope that you understand the need to support other women. Accept them for what they bring to the table because everyone brings something. Also as a coach you should be a person that your team members can go to for support. I needed someone on campus to notice what I was going through. Things could have gone very bad for me, I could have ended my life or had it ended if my relationship had continued down the path that so many do when they start with emotional abuse. I came to dance because I was good at it and because it was a welcoming place. Both of those things were taken from me and I am still working on my recovery.

 

Sincerely,

Unappreciated/deflated young dancer

Silver Lining Living

I remember hearing that "every cloud has a silver lining" and thinking that was a stupid way to say the situation won't suck forever. I never really agreed, how could there be a silver lining to losing a loved one or getting fired?

I experienced something recently that let me know that I am maturing as a woman and it is pretty awesome. A coworker of mine recently pointed out that I had been goofier than usual for several weeks. I, of course, quipped that I have been goofy all my life, but I realized that he was right. I thought about it and wondered if I was suppressing my feelings. I mean I have lost a loved one, a close former coworker (that was the subject of one of my earlier blogs) passed away, and I ended a relationship with a man I thought was perfect for me. So why was I so seemingly happy.

After pondering this for a while I believe that the reason I have been so much more like my normal self is that I am celebrating. I still wake up each day with the rest of my life ahead of me. I also made a choice to end a relationship with someone who was choosing not to put any effort into keeping me. That is a big deal! I didn't resort to name calling, I was clear about what my needs and expectations were, and when I saw that things were not changing after giving some time for change to happen- I got out. How mature am I?

I mean it still stings that someone who seemingly wanted to be with me so much in the beginning could give up and blame it on a busy schedule. Everyone everywhere is ALWAYS busy. Relationships are about making sacrifices and working to make things happen. It is true that things are often easier with the right person but you have to work at it as well. I will (I am sure) never know why things changed between us, but it doesn't matter.

Years ago I would still be in the relationship being neglected and sad, or I would have been breaking up and getting back together with him just trying to get him to see he needed to give me more. I am so proud that I made a decision to stick to my guns without being disrespectful. This was my first healthy, adult relationship. I am glad that I didn't ruin it by turning into a child because he couldn't own that he no longer wanted to date me. I hate when people push you away so they don't have to be the bad guy but hey at least I know that I am mature.

Yes that was shade.

 

I'm not completely reformed. :)

All men are idiots

Before you get too angry let me explain....this is what an ex-boyfriend of mine told me recently.

We were catching up after years of not speaking to each other. He inquired about my marital status and I told him that I hadn't had much luck in the dating department. I was telling him that I had met many guys who just weren't settled or serious. He suggested that I be patient with finding someone and stated that some idiot would get lucky and land me soon. I replied "I don't want some idiot!" To which he coolly replied..."we are all idiots" until one day we aren't.

Source: Microsoft Word clip art

First I just have to say how good it was to hear him say that

he was pretty idiotic when we dated in college

Then I was like wait what?

For him this magic day happened when he had children and found that material things didn't mean as much as financial security. I have to say that even though this didn't come at a time that benefited me I am really happy for him and the woman he is with now. Every person deserves to see the fruit of their labor and 10 smiles for every tear shed.

So this made me think a bit, should I really be evaluating guys on where they are now or by their potential. Who is to say they won't have that light bulb moment when they are with me?

 

By no means though do I suggest you stay with a man that treats you poorly waiting on them to "wake up". I take this to mean that those guys who I dated just weren't ready to let go of the idiot training wheels. It really just validated me and removed that "what's wrong with me" thought that plays in the back of my mind.

 

I feel more confident that the next time things go astray in a relationship that I will be able to just keep moving and pray that  man comes out of his fog for the next woman he is with.

 

It isn't news to me that men and women develop at different rates, but I really thought by age 29 I wouldn't still be waiting on men to grow up. Cheers to all the idiots out there!

Why I'm a jaded single lady

*Warning* sarcasm and cynicism below

So...I have been without a relationship (that has lasted longer than 2 months) for the past 6 years. I have really gotten used to being single but it is not really what I wanted for my life. I have been wondering lately if I want to be married with kids because that is what I am supposed to want or if it is because that is truly what I want for myself. Any time I even mention accepting that I may be single for life there is never a shortage of women that chime in shaming me for not having faith. I think it goes back to what Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche says in Flawless by Beyoncé. We are taught that women must strive for marriage and careers/success come second to that. I agree that the same pressure is not put on men. Its more than a little annoying that people feel it is necessary to shame me for not thinking that marriage is in the cards for me. I agree that God has all power and control and a plan for my life. I don't know what that is, neither does any other woman I encounter. So how do they know it is not possible that I am meant to be single?

But...how did I get here? First let's start with the most recent dating disappointment. I went out with a friend after a dance event. I was having fun dancing and enjoying myself. A very personable man comes up and talks to me and because I am trying to up my flirt game I flirted with him. We danced and joked and were as my bestie would say boo'd up for a while. He asked for my number and I faked jealousy when he appeared to be flirting with other girls. When I didn't hear from him the next two days I was cool with that, it was just fun to be engaged for a night. Then in typical 30+ fashion he contacted me after two days. We had cute text conversations and I was excited to have a conversation with a man that didn't make me want to throw up a little in my mouth (I get so tired of repeating myself with the online dating I have been attempting). I mean he had everything: a good vocabulary, he could dance, and he was the type that could sale you a mink coat in the middle of Texas summer. Then the red flag was thrown he said "look I will never make a promise to you I can't keep. I promise to tell you anything you ask." Now if you have never been completely kept in the dark by a dog of a man this may not seem like that bad of a thing to say but I saw it for what it was. He was laying the foundation to tell me later down the road that I should have asked him a certain something and because I didn't ask he didn't lie. So I did a little research- his Facebook was squeaky clean, then I searched for his name which revealed a honeymoon registry, which led to another Facebook search, which led to a wife who only 3 months ago had a baby. REALLY!?!?

 

Its not much of a loss for me but just thinking that this is why I am single...even the married guys are no good. Don't believe me? I know a married man that I have known for a while that offered a few years ago to father a child with me, the old fashioned way, and yes he was married at the time. This is the third married man that has seemed not to care about his wife while trying to woo me. And trust me I am not the type to give off the vibe that I would be cool with that. There have also been some less "violent" offenders: I talked to a guy on a dating site about my back and other things and the last comment from him was "well I guess you won't be having any good sex soon". The guy who took me out and argued with me about everything (such as the viability of Chinese food the next day) and ignored me (asked me questions I had literally just answered). The guys who I have known for years that will not talk to me for months on end and then reappear and expect that I have missed them, they get upset if I don't remember their birthdays or don't smile when they call.

I really feel like the world has become a place where we expect everything for nothing. Which translates into spoiled teens, women, and men. There is no longer a need to work for anything, if a man takes you out he doesn't have to be a gentlemen just show up and be prepared to receive. If a man has mistreated you in the past, all he has to do is not talk to you after the event for a year. By doing this he insures that when he does call you he can pretend to not know why you stopped talking and profess how much he has missed you, because you obviously feel the same. Imagine putting a book down and picking it back up where you left it and beginning to read again, women are just like that right?

My first relationship really laid the foundation for this. It was very traumatic and very public, he started the cheating. And not just an ordinary cheat, he cheated with my best friend who then stopped talking to me with no explanation for the next three years in high school. Every significant relationship I have had with a boy/man has involved me being cheated on. The last relationship I was in ended basically because my boyfriend was afraid of being dumped. So though I always pictured myself married with two children now all I can see is a child and a dog.

It may be wrong to be cynical but that is like telling a former CPS worker that children don't get abused everyday. I know that is a lie.

At this point my plan is to just try to enjoy the short period of dating when I enjoy talking to guys. The precedent has been so far that I will talk with them for a few days and either: they will stop communicating with me when I am not immediately available for a date; they say something offensive and I stop communicating with them; we go on a date and it goes no where; or we go on a date and I end up with a person that randomly texts me for months after that I no longer actually date.

With Valentine's day coming up (used to be my favorite holiday, the past 6 years it has been the most painful day of the year) I plan to love myself. I will don a saccharinely sweet outfit, treat myself to a date, and buy myself the gift I really want. What could be so wrong with that?
#nothing

Golds and kids

Dating in Waco...

When I was in high school dating a guy with gold teeth was acceptable, almost cool. I mean they looked like rappers and what teen aged girl in the 90's- 00's didn't love a rapper? As I attended college and learned things, becoming a women in the process the things that I looked for in a man changed greatly. Rappers though still entertaining often lacked in substance. It often seems they are chasing the material over the more intangible gains one can find.
When I returned to my home town after college I often ran into men I knew in high school. They often times still seemed to have the same goals as they did 10 or more years ago. I usually go out with them on the premise of what I knew of them in high school but later find that they are lacking in growth similar to mine. How exactly do you tell a man that his gold teeth are now a turn off for you and you were hoping to find a man with less than 1-2 children?
I am all for a hard working, manual labor type of guy, my dad is such a man. But I really want to find someone with at least the possibility of upward movement at work, as well as the desire to move up in the world. I grew up struggling and I don't want to ever experience that again. When a 25 + man tells me that his goal in life is to be a rapper I cringe a little. Its like my desire to be a professional dancer, or  a good basketball player from high school hoping to go pro along with the thousands of others with the same dream.  Its great to dream but when you never put your hands on an attainable goal it seems like you can go forever holding on to that goal that may never come true.
Now back to the child issue, don't get me wrong I love children. I have worked with them since I was one. But dating a man with children is so complicated. There is usually an issue of one or the other parent not completely being over the other. There are is the issue of visitation which limits the amount of time for dating. There is also the issue of timing for meeting the child/ren and any issues this causes for mom. I have had guys want to take me to meet their children on the first date, or the ones you date for months that never even consider you meeting their child which begs the question....how important are you in their lives? Dating is hard enough with out complicating things more with baby mama drama....I couldn't resist the phrasing.

I really feel that I am just over the whole dating thing. The men I want don't seem to feel the same, those that I would consider dating often have the child/gold problem, and those that chase me seem not to really know me so I doubt their intentions. Maybe I will forever be single and crabby....but I guess I would have nothing to talk about if I had someone great to date :)