Silver Lining Living

I remember hearing that "every cloud has a silver lining" and thinking that was a stupid way to say the situation won't suck forever. I never really agreed, how could there be a silver lining to losing a loved one or getting fired?

I experienced something recently that let me know that I am maturing as a woman and it is pretty awesome. A coworker of mine recently pointed out that I had been goofier than usual for several weeks. I, of course, quipped that I have been goofy all my life, but I realized that he was right. I thought about it and wondered if I was suppressing my feelings. I mean I have lost a loved one, a close former coworker (that was the subject of one of my earlier blogs) passed away, and I ended a relationship with a man I thought was perfect for me. So why was I so seemingly happy.

After pondering this for a while I believe that the reason I have been so much more like my normal self is that I am celebrating. I still wake up each day with the rest of my life ahead of me. I also made a choice to end a relationship with someone who was choosing not to put any effort into keeping me. That is a big deal! I didn't resort to name calling, I was clear about what my needs and expectations were, and when I saw that things were not changing after giving some time for change to happen- I got out. How mature am I?

I mean it still stings that someone who seemingly wanted to be with me so much in the beginning could give up and blame it on a busy schedule. Everyone everywhere is ALWAYS busy. Relationships are about making sacrifices and working to make things happen. It is true that things are often easier with the right person but you have to work at it as well. I will (I am sure) never know why things changed between us, but it doesn't matter.

Years ago I would still be in the relationship being neglected and sad, or I would have been breaking up and getting back together with him just trying to get him to see he needed to give me more. I am so proud that I made a decision to stick to my guns without being disrespectful. This was my first healthy, adult relationship. I am glad that I didn't ruin it by turning into a child because he couldn't own that he no longer wanted to date me. I hate when people push you away so they don't have to be the bad guy but hey at least I know that I am mature.

Yes that was shade.

 

I'm not completely reformed. :)

What's the worst that can happen?

As I face making a major change in my life, namely transitioning from being a full time employee to going to school and working for myself, I consider what could go wrong. I resisted this change for years, not because I just love the job but because I enjoying knowing I will have money. ( I know silly right?)

I was told by an older woman I know through work that it is common for "us" ( black women) to stay in situations for security. This probably goes back to our history of not having access to stable jobs that were not demeaning. Or just a fear that we have in stepping out and trying something new.

I had really never considered this, it was just so conditioned in me that when you have a "good" job you stay there. I never approached it from the view of how I feel about the job.

I love my interaction with kids and the life lessons I have learned from dealing with clients. BUT I have started to have health concerns from the stress and have noticed personality changes in myself that I don't like.

I am much more cynical than I used to be, which I knew to expect.

I have less fun, than I used to and am more serious (which is BAD because I was already pretty serious)

I am definitely more mean

I sweat the small stuff

My back and ribs regularly pop out of alignment

I eat horribly with no care of the consequences because the food makes me feel better

So why have I stayed in this job for 5 years? Because of the fear that I will leave to pursue my career goals and not be able to find a job....but what's the worst thing that can happen really. A delay in my goals. And that's not so bad.

Since I have committed to my plan I have seen God do great things in my life. Laying out opportunities for me to make the money I need, and basically just assuring me that with faith and guts you can get places you would never see hiding somewhere you are unhappy but content.