November 6th, a hard day in my life

So November 6th began like any other day really...
I got up, went to my internship, came home did a few assignments for school, I got ready to teach dance, went to the studio, went to do a home assessment, then came home.

To flesh out that story let me add that for a few weeks I have been feeling less passionate about teaching dance as I don't feel challenged. I also don't have the opportunity to teach the same set of kids and see them grow. I have also really been missing dancing myself and want to get back to that. I have not decided if I want to continue to teach long term. So when I get to dance one of my students, no actually two told me that my class was boring and they were only there because their mothers made them attend. My heart broke a little, this on the heels of my older girls telling me they were no longer dancing but may return in 3 months (meaning competition and recital are out for them). So I tried really hard to power through the class and teach the students who like the class.
While teaching I was demonstrating and my knee gave out, first time for this and I started to feel old. This is hard because people think that I look young and I get treated like an insignificant person often, but my body is telling me I am old (irony). Luckily the way I fell worked out in the dance so not a total loss.

On my way to dance that night I felt really anxious for an unknown reason. Then while doing the home study about half way through I really wanted to leave and again I didn't know why. My mother had stayed at my home with my puppy so that she is not alone too much and while I was gone my bird died. When I got home my mother met me in the parking lot and told me. She had already disposed of my bird and I was sad that I didn't get to see her. All of a sudden my feelings that day made sense. I had been feeling for some time that my bird was sick and may die but tried to convince myself I was wrong. She passed almost a month short of 5 years time with me. I was not really prepared for this and I am still sad about it. She had been such a part of my home life as well as my life in general. I had been planning to make my next move a more permanent one so that she would not have to adjust again....unfortunately she won't be traveling with me again.

So November 6, 2012 was not the best day I have had this year...but life is hard sometimes. This is how we grow.

My sweet girl

1000th view

My blog has hit over 1000 views....I am oh so excited!

To anyone that reads my blogs consistently thanks so much.

I am always striving to be understood by people, and feel that only a few people understand me or really try to.

 

I am happy that I am able to share my thoughts and get them out of my head, it keeps me from ruminating too much.

 

Again so happy about my little accomplishment....tell your friends about my blog please.

Golds and kids

Dating in Waco...

When I was in high school dating a guy with gold teeth was acceptable, almost cool. I mean they looked like rappers and what teen aged girl in the 90's- 00's didn't love a rapper? As I attended college and learned things, becoming a women in the process the things that I looked for in a man changed greatly. Rappers though still entertaining often lacked in substance. It often seems they are chasing the material over the more intangible gains one can find.
When I returned to my home town after college I often ran into men I knew in high school. They often times still seemed to have the same goals as they did 10 or more years ago. I usually go out with them on the premise of what I knew of them in high school but later find that they are lacking in growth similar to mine. How exactly do you tell a man that his gold teeth are now a turn off for you and you were hoping to find a man with less than 1-2 children?
I am all for a hard working, manual labor type of guy, my dad is such a man. But I really want to find someone with at least the possibility of upward movement at work, as well as the desire to move up in the world. I grew up struggling and I don't want to ever experience that again. When a 25 + man tells me that his goal in life is to be a rapper I cringe a little. Its like my desire to be a professional dancer, or  a good basketball player from high school hoping to go pro along with the thousands of others with the same dream.  Its great to dream but when you never put your hands on an attainable goal it seems like you can go forever holding on to that goal that may never come true.
Now back to the child issue, don't get me wrong I love children. I have worked with them since I was one. But dating a man with children is so complicated. There is usually an issue of one or the other parent not completely being over the other. There are is the issue of visitation which limits the amount of time for dating. There is also the issue of timing for meeting the child/ren and any issues this causes for mom. I have had guys want to take me to meet their children on the first date, or the ones you date for months that never even consider you meeting their child which begs the question....how important are you in their lives? Dating is hard enough with out complicating things more with baby mama drama....I couldn't resist the phrasing.

I really feel that I am just over the whole dating thing. The men I want don't seem to feel the same, those that I would consider dating often have the child/gold problem, and those that chase me seem not to really know me so I doubt their intentions. Maybe I will forever be single and crabby....but I guess I would have nothing to talk about if I had someone great to date :)

Do you want what you can't have?

For several years I have been wondering why it was that the guys/men I liked did not reciprocate my feelings. While the guys I wanted nothing to do with or had dated once or twice were on me like bees on honey.

 I am currently experiencing a case of the latter, though I have never even actually gone on a date with him but I digress. I think I have it figured out....they want what they can't have. While the guys I do like know they could have me and its not so fun for them. For quite a while I have been of the opinion that I must be giving of some sort of signal that I was waiting for my husband to walk through the door and get me pregnant. Though I had made a conscious effort not to be too excited about guys I liked. Though why wouldn't I be excited about this, because it happens so infrequently lately....again I digress. But I don't think that is the problem. Men that are looking for fun want something to chase, while men looking for quality want something that everyone else can't have. So the woman who doesn't melt at the first cute thing a man says is worth the chase.

Knowing this though really doesn't help me though, because I feel that I would have to play a game to find a man. I am so not into games. If I like you I should be able to act accordingly and have you reciprocate if you feel the same. Yeah I would like to get married but I am not dumb enough to try to force that situation on a man that is not a good match for me. I may need to make a sign for that I can wear when I meet people.  (As well as one that says I am 27 treat me like a grown up...sorry I am aging well maybe you should try it.) I feel like so many men are scared that a woman wants to get married it is ridiculous. What am I going to do knock you over the head, drug you, and drive us to Vegas and force you to say yes?But so many men I have met seem to not want to date you if you want to get married and they aren't ready. I just don't get it. I would love to have a 6 month relationship with  great guy more than no relationship for the last 5 years, as has been the case.

I really have been considering accepting the fact that I may never find a romantic relationship. With what I encounter in my town that may not be a bad thing. My mother doesn't like when I say this but, marriage isn't meant for everyone. Maybe I am one of the unlucky or lucky ones depending on how you look at it. 

 

Things that make you go...hmmm  

Reflection Exercise: Are You An Overthinker? Curly Nikki

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Natural Hair Care: Reflection Exercise: Are You An Overthinker?:   by GG of PeaceLoveandPrettyThings The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~Elbert...

How important are numbers?

1,2,3,4....407

How important are numbers to you?

 

I have been thinking about perception a lot this week. I have discovered that from different points of view miscommunication can take place and cripple a relationship. I also had a very silly, vain moment this week when I did my weigh in. I may be sharing too much in this moment but...I make it a point to look at myself pre-shower (unclothed) and look for the positives, self affirm etc. So after I weighed in I looked at myself again and saw so many more positives. All based on the fact that I weighed less than last week.

Though it is great that I am losing weight, which is my goal, its not great that I thought I looked better because I weighed less. Why did that extra pound make such a difference? Because I value numbers.

I have also heard people say that you should know someones credit score before dating/marrying. Though this is a good thing to know I wonder how many good men/women have been passed over because they are 20 pounds too heavy or small. Or because they didn't make enough money, had a bad credit score etc. I know that I have factored in a man's size when considering if I should date him, and I regret it.

I mean my ultimate goal is to find someone to share my life with. Does that mean that he should be numerically perfect for me or perfect for me in the ways that matter?

Frank Ocean, the music love of my life

Have I mentioned how I love Frank Ocean? Hear him below from SNL with John Mayer.