What's the worst that can happen?

As I face making a major change in my life, namely transitioning from being a full time employee to going to school and working for myself, I consider what could go wrong. I resisted this change for years, not because I just love the job but because I enjoying knowing I will have money. ( I know silly right?)

I was told by an older woman I know through work that it is common for "us" ( black women) to stay in situations for security. This probably goes back to our history of not having access to stable jobs that were not demeaning. Or just a fear that we have in stepping out and trying something new.

I had really never considered this, it was just so conditioned in me that when you have a "good" job you stay there. I never approached it from the view of how I feel about the job.

I love my interaction with kids and the life lessons I have learned from dealing with clients. BUT I have started to have health concerns from the stress and have noticed personality changes in myself that I don't like.

I am much more cynical than I used to be, which I knew to expect.

I have less fun, than I used to and am more serious (which is BAD because I was already pretty serious)

I am definitely more mean

I sweat the small stuff

My back and ribs regularly pop out of alignment

I eat horribly with no care of the consequences because the food makes me feel better

So why have I stayed in this job for 5 years? Because of the fear that I will leave to pursue my career goals and not be able to find a job....but what's the worst thing that can happen really. A delay in my goals. And that's not so bad.

Since I have committed to my plan I have seen God do great things in my life. Laying out opportunities for me to make the money I need, and basically just assuring me that with faith and guts you can get places you would never see hiding somewhere you are unhappy but content. 

Dancing outside of the box

So while I was in ATL I decided to take a dance class. Over my many years of dancing I have only worked with a few choreographers and I wanted to shake things up a little bit. I was nervous because the class that was available when I was in town was an Isomotion class that has many elements of Popping and Locking. I have never had any formal hip hop training (though I teach hip hop).
I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I picked up the choreography fairly well and I really liked the set up of the studio. There were no children around only teens and adults, which was weird in and of itself. The music was booming and when profanity was heard no one even flinched. It made me hopeful that if I ever decide to move out of my small, big town there are places I can dance that cater more toward my demographic.
If I ever move to Atlanta, I will definitely be dancing at Gotta Dance ATL!
I am so proud of myself for trying something new that I could have failed at. I usually shy away from situations that could be embarrassing or that I know I am not really prepared for.

Abandonment issues

I found more of my old Poem/songs. There is always a theme abandonment :)

Don't, don't leave me again, I can't stand to see your back walk out that door. No don't, don't leave me again oh no, no, no.
Don't leave me like the last time. Oh I don't know, know what I would do. Oh, I've fallen for the wrong guy. But, I love you with all your faults and all the good things. I love you so.
Don't, don't leave me again.
-dancer.s

Why is life so hard? Will I ever be able to let down my gaurd? Can I ever truly be me, or will heartache be all I see?
-dancer.s

He once did something awful to me. Now when I look at you he is what I see.
-dancer.s

I don't want to love you. But for some reason I do. The two of you made me cry. Sometimes wishing I would die. I may seem happy to everyone else. But it's not true. It's not true.
-dancer.s

Actress
Every day I act.
I act happy, I act strong.
People ask me why I'm so quiet, it's so my pain won't show.
When I'm quiet, I'm thinking.
-dancer.s

Taking care of number one

A chance encounter last night has really brought to light the positive changes I have started to make in my life. I have been trying really hard to make decisions that may not feel good in the moment but I know are the best for me in the long run. I have also really decided not to settle for anything that is not what I feel is what God has in mind for me. For instance I don't think God wants me to settle for a man who is inconsiderate and self-centered. I would love to be with someone that I can dote over and who will do the same to me. A man who wants me to dote over him but gives the line of "you know I am not affectionate" as an excuse for him not doing the same is not good enough.

I have also been limiting the amount of situations I allow myself to invest in that will bring more stress to my life. I have a tendency to take on other's problems and attempt to fix them. I can't heal the world and every problem in it. I can be there for people without stressing myself over their issues and that is what I plan to do.

I would normally say that is is selfish for me to "take care of number one", but with all that I do for others if I don't do this who will? Along that same train of thought if I don't take care of me how long will it be before I am of no use to those that I help?

Take care of you :)

Passion

Several times a year I say to myself "You should stop dancing, you are no spring chicken, you aren't going pro, it's too much commitment". Various factors play into this: stress of dancing on top of having a grown up 9 to 5, drama with younger dancers, drama with older dancers, students who know it all, student who have great potential but don't always see it, a body that is tired and often injured, input from my non dancing friends and family.
But every year the first (in this year's case second) week of June that changes. Why you ask? Because it is our annual dance recital. There is a problem each year, usually injury, last year asthma, this year a weird reaction with asthma medications. Nonetheless I get on that stage and dance and actually get to perform and I come alive. In that moment I don't care what guy didn't call me back, what student said what or how much work stresses me out. When I come off stage and get a text from a friend or family member that they loved a certain dance I was in or move we did I beam from inside. When I watch my students do a move they initially struggled with or show emotion they refuse to show in practice I am happier than I can imagine in those stressful times.

So if you have a passion in life go after it until you can't any more and then find a new way to go after it. My body has always hurt me. It takes me much longer to recover than it used to. But when I can't dance the way I do now, I can always just do low impact moves. Dance is  my passion and without it my world would be a very sad shade of blah....

Recital!

It seems that no matter what I try to think about with our dance recital coming up it is all I can think about. So, this year I have been hoping to make it through recital with no new injuries. -Back story.....every year at recital I injure myself in a new way.
So I have tried stretching each night before bed and taking it easy. In just a few days I will see if this has done any good. Recital is June 9th and 10th!!!!!

It will be so exhilarating to be on the stage again and after the initial jitters are gone just living on the stage. If only every day could be a performance.....

Facebook confessional

Am I the only one that has been privileged enough to experience a Facebook confessional? On more than one occasion I have been on Facebook chat late an night and had someone that I hardly know start a conversation with me. The conversations always start out as catching up, meaningless chatter sort of thing then progress to something more. A random over sharing moment that is shocking in some way. Sometimes it is less shocking such as I had a huge crush on you in high school. Other times it is down right awkward i.e. I was the victim of infidelity and now hate the opposite sex.
This all makes me wonder: are we so starved for contact with others that we use Facebook as an intimate form of communication with others? Personally I often feel quite lonely even though there is always someone to chat with or send a text message to. I miss the personal touch of calling someone on the land line. There was much less of a chance that they were busy back in those days. I also miss talking face to face with people more often than talking to them on the phone.
Though I am glad to be someone that people feel comfortable sharing with, I am still on the fence about Facebook confessionals. Though I am sure on one lonely night it will be me over sharing to someone I barely knew 10 years ago in high school.....