The Summer Chronicles: Part 1

So my Summer is a rambunctious, active dog usually. She is often skittish with new people so I was fairly worried when she was supposed to meet my new boyfriend. When she simply smelled him and then went on as if she had known him a while I took it as a good sign. .When I left her alone with him I was still a little worried, when I arrived to find her asleep I thought all was well. That is until I saw the vomit on the floor next to her. .The rest of the night continued like this with her sleeping and waking up to  vomit. And the same the following day, so I decided to take her to the vet. He scared me a little with the possible X-ray and surgery thing. So when in two days she seemed to be her old self I was excited.
The new problem now? The doctor told me to give her chicken the first day after the visit and now she won't eat her own food. ugh So she has been starving herself holding out for something better. This on top of the four days she was unable to keep any food down. So I have resorted to mixing her  dry food with some wet, and so far so good. But when it is finished we will just start our food stand off.
The other issue with my Summer Love is... since my week long cruise, she refuses to sleep in her kennel. She wants  to sleep in my room preferably on my bed, though she will accept a place  next to my bed. If I insist she sleep in her kennel she will whine all night, and that is no exaggeration.... ugh I am going to try making her sleep in her kennel for at least a week and hope that she remembers this was the way it had been with no issue for 3 months.
It must be love because if anything else prevented me from sleeping it would have to go.
She has also been attached to my hip even more than usual since I returned, though I can understand why it is ever so slightly annoying :)

So cute when she sleeps, which is most of the day

A funny thing happened.....

On my way back home from Mexico

So I went on my cruise to have fun and unwind from the daily grind of work (internship), school, dance, and being a new pet parent. I thought at most there would be clubbing, drinking, and mild flirting. I sit here almost a week later with in a romantic relationship. So I guess my contribution to the ideas on single life will be muted for the time being. 

Of all the things I thought possible, this was not really one of them. So glad that I am not on control :)

And I'm out

In just a few short days I will again be aboard a Carnival cruise ship on my way to Mexico. Can you say exciting? This trip I am looking forward to relaxing, the last trip was more a work/vacation. My previous dance studio performed and took classes aboard the ship and all of the activities were planned for me without input. So this time I am going with my best friend who is of similar interest and I cannot wait.
I will have to be unplugged, though I know I can do this because I did it before I am unsure of how. I mean my Sims are going to die (the drama). And who will know what I am doing on Facebook? But how important will I feel when I open my inbox on the 9th to find hundreds of emails just for me? :)
I am planning to read, lounge, attend activities, shop and journal. Here at home it is too easy to watch TV, browse the net, talk on the phone, or blog instead of really talking to myself. I often have epiphanies while blogging but they are not as deep as when I simply write my feelings with no regard for other's interpretation. Though I will not be having a true traveling the world moment, I am going for an Eat, Pray, Love type of experience. So wish me luck, anchors up!

Sunny side of single

So often I find myself thinking about the things

I don't like about being single...

I forget at times that there are things I enjoy

or areas in which I have grown as a single woman.

So of course the obvious is that I can come and go as I please..

Not that I go anywhere often but I have become so used to not factoring in another person it really is nice. I can have a random change of plans and the only one upset is me.

I also see that I have grown to be much more independent, I think as an only child and having the other history I do I was always independent. This has only been strengthened by really only doing things on my own. With this romantic love drought (so dramatic I know) I have really come to know myself. I can understand the things I do and what drives them so much better that I used to be able to. I also have a much better idea of who I want in my life and who I don't. Which means I am usually able to weed guys out before dating them, much to my dismay. Sometimes I will feel the need to go back only because I want to have dates. But though this keeps my social calendar empty, it protects me from harmful guys. Which means I have more time for my friends, when they have time for me (hint, hint).

 

It is so easy for people to see there being two options for singles: chronic daters and the sad/ lonely lot. I know that at times I focus on the lonely aspect of being single, but I like to think of myself as a singleton who is happy with me. Who else is there that knows me this well and can entertain me so efficiently? I mean when was the last time you hurt your own feelings or didn't talk to yourself? :)

November 6th, a hard day in my life

So November 6th began like any other day really...
I got up, went to my internship, came home did a few assignments for school, I got ready to teach dance, went to the studio, went to do a home assessment, then came home.

To flesh out that story let me add that for a few weeks I have been feeling less passionate about teaching dance as I don't feel challenged. I also don't have the opportunity to teach the same set of kids and see them grow. I have also really been missing dancing myself and want to get back to that. I have not decided if I want to continue to teach long term. So when I get to dance one of my students, no actually two told me that my class was boring and they were only there because their mothers made them attend. My heart broke a little, this on the heels of my older girls telling me they were no longer dancing but may return in 3 months (meaning competition and recital are out for them). So I tried really hard to power through the class and teach the students who like the class.
While teaching I was demonstrating and my knee gave out, first time for this and I started to feel old. This is hard because people think that I look young and I get treated like an insignificant person often, but my body is telling me I am old (irony). Luckily the way I fell worked out in the dance so not a total loss.

On my way to dance that night I felt really anxious for an unknown reason. Then while doing the home study about half way through I really wanted to leave and again I didn't know why. My mother had stayed at my home with my puppy so that she is not alone too much and while I was gone my bird died. When I got home my mother met me in the parking lot and told me. She had already disposed of my bird and I was sad that I didn't get to see her. All of a sudden my feelings that day made sense. I had been feeling for some time that my bird was sick and may die but tried to convince myself I was wrong. She passed almost a month short of 5 years time with me. I was not really prepared for this and I am still sad about it. She had been such a part of my home life as well as my life in general. I had been planning to make my next move a more permanent one so that she would not have to adjust again....unfortunately she won't be traveling with me again.

So November 6, 2012 was not the best day I have had this year...but life is hard sometimes. This is how we grow.

My sweet girl

1000th view

My blog has hit over 1000 views....I am oh so excited!

To anyone that reads my blogs consistently thanks so much.

I am always striving to be understood by people, and feel that only a few people understand me or really try to.

 

I am happy that I am able to share my thoughts and get them out of my head, it keeps me from ruminating too much.

 

Again so happy about my little accomplishment....tell your friends about my blog please.

Golds and kids

Dating in Waco...

When I was in high school dating a guy with gold teeth was acceptable, almost cool. I mean they looked like rappers and what teen aged girl in the 90's- 00's didn't love a rapper? As I attended college and learned things, becoming a women in the process the things that I looked for in a man changed greatly. Rappers though still entertaining often lacked in substance. It often seems they are chasing the material over the more intangible gains one can find.
When I returned to my home town after college I often ran into men I knew in high school. They often times still seemed to have the same goals as they did 10 or more years ago. I usually go out with them on the premise of what I knew of them in high school but later find that they are lacking in growth similar to mine. How exactly do you tell a man that his gold teeth are now a turn off for you and you were hoping to find a man with less than 1-2 children?
I am all for a hard working, manual labor type of guy, my dad is such a man. But I really want to find someone with at least the possibility of upward movement at work, as well as the desire to move up in the world. I grew up struggling and I don't want to ever experience that again. When a 25 + man tells me that his goal in life is to be a rapper I cringe a little. Its like my desire to be a professional dancer, or  a good basketball player from high school hoping to go pro along with the thousands of others with the same dream.  Its great to dream but when you never put your hands on an attainable goal it seems like you can go forever holding on to that goal that may never come true.
Now back to the child issue, don't get me wrong I love children. I have worked with them since I was one. But dating a man with children is so complicated. There is usually an issue of one or the other parent not completely being over the other. There are is the issue of visitation which limits the amount of time for dating. There is also the issue of timing for meeting the child/ren and any issues this causes for mom. I have had guys want to take me to meet their children on the first date, or the ones you date for months that never even consider you meeting their child which begs the question....how important are you in their lives? Dating is hard enough with out complicating things more with baby mama drama....I couldn't resist the phrasing.

I really feel that I am just over the whole dating thing. The men I want don't seem to feel the same, those that I would consider dating often have the child/gold problem, and those that chase me seem not to really know me so I doubt their intentions. Maybe I will forever be single and crabby....but I guess I would have nothing to talk about if I had someone great to date :)

Do you want what you can't have?

For several years I have been wondering why it was that the guys/men I liked did not reciprocate my feelings. While the guys I wanted nothing to do with or had dated once or twice were on me like bees on honey.

 I am currently experiencing a case of the latter, though I have never even actually gone on a date with him but I digress. I think I have it figured out....they want what they can't have. While the guys I do like know they could have me and its not so fun for them. For quite a while I have been of the opinion that I must be giving of some sort of signal that I was waiting for my husband to walk through the door and get me pregnant. Though I had made a conscious effort not to be too excited about guys I liked. Though why wouldn't I be excited about this, because it happens so infrequently lately....again I digress. But I don't think that is the problem. Men that are looking for fun want something to chase, while men looking for quality want something that everyone else can't have. So the woman who doesn't melt at the first cute thing a man says is worth the chase.

Knowing this though really doesn't help me though, because I feel that I would have to play a game to find a man. I am so not into games. If I like you I should be able to act accordingly and have you reciprocate if you feel the same. Yeah I would like to get married but I am not dumb enough to try to force that situation on a man that is not a good match for me. I may need to make a sign for that I can wear when I meet people.  (As well as one that says I am 27 treat me like a grown up...sorry I am aging well maybe you should try it.) I feel like so many men are scared that a woman wants to get married it is ridiculous. What am I going to do knock you over the head, drug you, and drive us to Vegas and force you to say yes?But so many men I have met seem to not want to date you if you want to get married and they aren't ready. I just don't get it. I would love to have a 6 month relationship with  great guy more than no relationship for the last 5 years, as has been the case.

I really have been considering accepting the fact that I may never find a romantic relationship. With what I encounter in my town that may not be a bad thing. My mother doesn't like when I say this but, marriage isn't meant for everyone. Maybe I am one of the unlucky or lucky ones depending on how you look at it. 

 

Things that make you go...hmmm  

Reflection Exercise: Are You An Overthinker? Curly Nikki

Curly Nikki | Natural Hair Styles and Natural Hair Care: Reflection Exercise: Are You An Overthinker?:   by GG of PeaceLoveandPrettyThings The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~Elbert...

How important are numbers?

1,2,3,4....407

How important are numbers to you?

 

I have been thinking about perception a lot this week. I have discovered that from different points of view miscommunication can take place and cripple a relationship. I also had a very silly, vain moment this week when I did my weigh in. I may be sharing too much in this moment but...I make it a point to look at myself pre-shower (unclothed) and look for the positives, self affirm etc. So after I weighed in I looked at myself again and saw so many more positives. All based on the fact that I weighed less than last week.

Though it is great that I am losing weight, which is my goal, its not great that I thought I looked better because I weighed less. Why did that extra pound make such a difference? Because I value numbers.

I have also heard people say that you should know someones credit score before dating/marrying. Though this is a good thing to know I wonder how many good men/women have been passed over because they are 20 pounds too heavy or small. Or because they didn't make enough money, had a bad credit score etc. I know that I have factored in a man's size when considering if I should date him, and I regret it.

I mean my ultimate goal is to find someone to share my life with. Does that mean that he should be numerically perfect for me or perfect for me in the ways that matter?

Frank Ocean, the music love of my life

Have I mentioned how I love Frank Ocean? Hear him below from SNL with John Mayer.

My pride and joy!

I wanted to share with you my very special gift just for me.

The lady formally known as Love

I've always gone by Love

It's what my daddy has always called me

He said I represent what the name stands for

But Love is patient, that something I have yet to learn

Love is kind, and that's not me most of the time

So maybe daddy isn't always right

 

If you look at the walls of my home..

Love is on every wall

I've always thought...love is what I'm striving for

but maybe its not the attainment, of the romantic form

but more aptly the virtues thereof

 

So I will work on patience, by being patient with myself

I will work on kindness, by being kind to me.
I will will be patient when I expect to much

I will be kind, by allowing only the positive in

 

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love is patient

Love is kind

 

Some people will not be allowed in my life

because I am being kind to me.

 

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love is patient

Love is kind

 

This came to me on my walk with my dog, in the form of  song. 

 



Lovely quote by Jackson Kiddard

Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson, and never look back once you've decided.

Jackson Kiddard

My best birthday gift so far....

This birthday as I approached my 27th year on earth and a change in my work schedule, I decided I finally felt ready to bring a new being into my life. My mother had become aware of a rescue dog around this time and I did some Pre-placement visits and an overnight with the doggy. Hey what can I say? I'm a social worker and former adoption prep worker, it only seemed right :)
So on the day of my birth August 9th I brought her home.....It has been a big adjustment but I am very glad I did it. I named her Summer because she came to live with me in the summer time and she is a mix so she is summa this summa that :) as my parents always used to say. It really is like having a child but it is nice to have a companion that is not has fickle as men , at least some of the mean I have dated. I am enjoying watching her learn what I am attempting to teach her and learning not to take life so seriously. Case in point she has no socialization outside of her "pack" and whines and barks like a crazy thing when in public. She is also forcing me out of my routine because to combat this I have to take her out and about much more.
Below are some adorable pictures of my new baby:

Us on my birthday

She loves a good belly rub

 My mother took her outside and brought her back in the recycling tin. Summer is a ham!

She was playing ball, it fell in her food and then she decided to just eat around it

My way of giving back

Now that my schedule has freed up some due to no longer being employed full time, I have taken an oppurtunity to give back. I have decided to adopt a soldier through solidersangels.org . With this program you are requiredd to write letters weekly and send care packages monthly. Below is the first package contents that I sent to my solider. I am also able to use my creative side as you can see.

I am still waiting to receive a letter back from my solider but I am sure he is quite busy. I really just hope that he is getting my letters and packages and knows that I am thinking of him.

My first Birchbox!

So I have wanted a Curlbox for a while now, but the list is always too long. Also I am not quite sold on the price. While searching for other similar products I came upon the Birchbox site. It is the same premise though it offers beauty products in general. Once I was in for membership it did ask me some questions about my hair type so I am crossing my fingers that at some point I will also receive some hair care items. Below is a picture of the outside of the box

 

And when I opened the lovely box......I discovered I was in school for beauty as well

Inside my box were a perfume sample of Viva La Juicy La Fleur (Juicy Couture), Q-tips that have nail polish remover in them( Super handy), a full size Brightening facial cleanser by DDF, Pomegranate body butter by Whish, and a Shick razor with built in shave gel. I have tried everything but the Q-tips because I haven't done a pedicure or manicure yet, but I know they are great because I have had a similar product before. I love how the body butter and La Fluer seem to compliment each other and feel this was a good decision on my part. Take that exclusive Curl box haha. Just kidding I want a subscription with you too!

 

Bucket List

Is there an appropriate age to begin one's bucket list?

 

 

This past August 9th I celebrated my 27th birthday, though I am making steps toward where I want to be in life I am not quite there yet. So I began to think of what I want to accomplish and have decided to begin creating my bucket list. I don't know if this is supposed to be reserved for the end of your life. I get more done when I am held responsible for completing tasks such has having them written down. Especially for "the world" to see.

 

Here are a few things I have thought of so far:

 

1. Welcome a child(ren) into my family through biological means or adoption

2. See Alanis Morissette in concert and/or meet her

3. Attend another Usher concert

4. Do at least 3 truly spontaneous acts (I know that's not much, but I am a premeditator :) )

5. Do Karaoke or a comedy stand up set

6. After doing private practice, begin instructing college level courses

7. Experience romantic love again

 

This will be a working list that I plan to add to, but it feels good to know what things I really feel I need to accomplish in my life. Even if these things don't sound earth shattering to me it would be wonderful to feel there was nothing I hadn't completed that I truly wanted to. Note: there are things I plan to do that I don't feel it necessary to list because I am self assured they will take place. i.e. graduate from graduate school, pass my LCSW exam.

 

Dove visible care sweepstakes

Dove has asked the question: How do you reinvigorate and refresh your skin for the summer months?
My answer to that question is that I use my Dove (note I actually have been a devoted Dove beauty bar user for years) soap, I also add in a body scrub as my skin has some trouble with the whole sloughing process and I add lotion and sunscreen.
This summer I have tried body wash as well that has moisturizers in it and I like that so far. I haven't found one body wash I want to commit to like my Pink Dove bar just yet.

This post is in exchange for a chance to win the sweepstakes for a spa giveaway, which I could really use as always.

What's the worst that can happen?

As I face making a major change in my life, namely transitioning from being a full time employee to going to school and working for myself, I consider what could go wrong. I resisted this change for years, not because I just love the job but because I enjoying knowing I will have money. ( I know silly right?)

I was told by an older woman I know through work that it is common for "us" ( black women) to stay in situations for security. This probably goes back to our history of not having access to stable jobs that were not demeaning. Or just a fear that we have in stepping out and trying something new.

I had really never considered this, it was just so conditioned in me that when you have a "good" job you stay there. I never approached it from the view of how I feel about the job.

I love my interaction with kids and the life lessons I have learned from dealing with clients. BUT I have started to have health concerns from the stress and have noticed personality changes in myself that I don't like.

I am much more cynical than I used to be, which I knew to expect.

I have less fun, than I used to and am more serious (which is BAD because I was already pretty serious)

I am definitely more mean

I sweat the small stuff

My back and ribs regularly pop out of alignment

I eat horribly with no care of the consequences because the food makes me feel better

So why have I stayed in this job for 5 years? Because of the fear that I will leave to pursue my career goals and not be able to find a job....but what's the worst thing that can happen really. A delay in my goals. And that's not so bad.

Since I have committed to my plan I have seen God do great things in my life. Laying out opportunities for me to make the money I need, and basically just assuring me that with faith and guts you can get places you would never see hiding somewhere you are unhappy but content. 

Dancing outside of the box

So while I was in ATL I decided to take a dance class. Over my many years of dancing I have only worked with a few choreographers and I wanted to shake things up a little bit. I was nervous because the class that was available when I was in town was an Isomotion class that has many elements of Popping and Locking. I have never had any formal hip hop training (though I teach hip hop).
I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I picked up the choreography fairly well and I really liked the set up of the studio. There were no children around only teens and adults, which was weird in and of itself. The music was booming and when profanity was heard no one even flinched. It made me hopeful that if I ever decide to move out of my small, big town there are places I can dance that cater more toward my demographic.
If I ever move to Atlanta, I will definitely be dancing at Gotta Dance ATL!
I am so proud of myself for trying something new that I could have failed at. I usually shy away from situations that could be embarrassing or that I know I am not really prepared for.

Abandonment issues

I found more of my old Poem/songs. There is always a theme abandonment :)

Don't, don't leave me again, I can't stand to see your back walk out that door. No don't, don't leave me again oh no, no, no.
Don't leave me like the last time. Oh I don't know, know what I would do. Oh, I've fallen for the wrong guy. But, I love you with all your faults and all the good things. I love you so.
Don't, don't leave me again.
-dancer.s

Why is life so hard? Will I ever be able to let down my gaurd? Can I ever truly be me, or will heartache be all I see?
-dancer.s

He once did something awful to me. Now when I look at you he is what I see.
-dancer.s

I don't want to love you. But for some reason I do. The two of you made me cry. Sometimes wishing I would die. I may seem happy to everyone else. But it's not true. It's not true.
-dancer.s

Actress
Every day I act.
I act happy, I act strong.
People ask me why I'm so quiet, it's so my pain won't show.
When I'm quiet, I'm thinking.
-dancer.s

Taking care of number one

A chance encounter last night has really brought to light the positive changes I have started to make in my life. I have been trying really hard to make decisions that may not feel good in the moment but I know are the best for me in the long run. I have also really decided not to settle for anything that is not what I feel is what God has in mind for me. For instance I don't think God wants me to settle for a man who is inconsiderate and self-centered. I would love to be with someone that I can dote over and who will do the same to me. A man who wants me to dote over him but gives the line of "you know I am not affectionate" as an excuse for him not doing the same is not good enough.

I have also been limiting the amount of situations I allow myself to invest in that will bring more stress to my life. I have a tendency to take on other's problems and attempt to fix them. I can't heal the world and every problem in it. I can be there for people without stressing myself over their issues and that is what I plan to do.

I would normally say that is is selfish for me to "take care of number one", but with all that I do for others if I don't do this who will? Along that same train of thought if I don't take care of me how long will it be before I am of no use to those that I help?

Take care of you :)

Passion

Several times a year I say to myself "You should stop dancing, you are no spring chicken, you aren't going pro, it's too much commitment". Various factors play into this: stress of dancing on top of having a grown up 9 to 5, drama with younger dancers, drama with older dancers, students who know it all, student who have great potential but don't always see it, a body that is tired and often injured, input from my non dancing friends and family.
But every year the first (in this year's case second) week of June that changes. Why you ask? Because it is our annual dance recital. There is a problem each year, usually injury, last year asthma, this year a weird reaction with asthma medications. Nonetheless I get on that stage and dance and actually get to perform and I come alive. In that moment I don't care what guy didn't call me back, what student said what or how much work stresses me out. When I come off stage and get a text from a friend or family member that they loved a certain dance I was in or move we did I beam from inside. When I watch my students do a move they initially struggled with or show emotion they refuse to show in practice I am happier than I can imagine in those stressful times.

So if you have a passion in life go after it until you can't any more and then find a new way to go after it. My body has always hurt me. It takes me much longer to recover than it used to. But when I can't dance the way I do now, I can always just do low impact moves. Dance is  my passion and without it my world would be a very sad shade of blah....

Recital!

It seems that no matter what I try to think about with our dance recital coming up it is all I can think about. So, this year I have been hoping to make it through recital with no new injuries. -Back story.....every year at recital I injure myself in a new way.
So I have tried stretching each night before bed and taking it easy. In just a few days I will see if this has done any good. Recital is June 9th and 10th!!!!!

It will be so exhilarating to be on the stage again and after the initial jitters are gone just living on the stage. If only every day could be a performance.....

Facebook confessional

Am I the only one that has been privileged enough to experience a Facebook confessional? On more than one occasion I have been on Facebook chat late an night and had someone that I hardly know start a conversation with me. The conversations always start out as catching up, meaningless chatter sort of thing then progress to something more. A random over sharing moment that is shocking in some way. Sometimes it is less shocking such as I had a huge crush on you in high school. Other times it is down right awkward i.e. I was the victim of infidelity and now hate the opposite sex.
This all makes me wonder: are we so starved for contact with others that we use Facebook as an intimate form of communication with others? Personally I often feel quite lonely even though there is always someone to chat with or send a text message to. I miss the personal touch of calling someone on the land line. There was much less of a chance that they were busy back in those days. I also miss talking face to face with people more often than talking to them on the phone.
Though I am glad to be someone that people feel comfortable sharing with, I am still on the fence about Facebook confessionals. Though I am sure on one lonely night it will be me over sharing to someone I barely knew 10 years ago in high school.....

Songs/poems from the past

I found a few poems/songs that I wrote as an adolescent. I don't know how good they are but hey I was a teen/preteen so don't judge me *smile.

"Living a normal life, ain't that normal."- dancer.s

"When things don't go your way what do ya do? Do ya cry all day? Oh no, no not me. Oh no, no not me. La la la la Oh yeah I cry. Oh yeah I die but, am I alone?" - dancer.s

"Do you ever just sit and look out the window at the cars as they go by? Do you ever wonder if you're along? Sometimes I wonder if I'm alone. Pause Am I alone? Are you alone? Are we alone? No, no, no we're not alone. Repeat We have each other."- dancer.s

"Shield your face children hide it away. I don't want 'cha to see what's goin' on today, this world we live in just ain't right. It seems that everyone wants to pick a fight. (Apparently this was the spoken word or rap part next) Yo, yo, yo I wanna change the tempo a little bit. Come on, come on let's change the world people. Lets change the world people."- dancer.s

Easter forgiveness

I am a total believer in signs and that all things happen for a reason. During the Easter holiday I ran into an old friend of mine twice. I still had negative feelings about this friend due to things that she had done that affected me negatively in the past. I made a lot of decisions based on her opinion and valued her input highly. During high school she and my other best friend completely stopped talking to me and did not do so again until close to our graduation.
I always wondered what I had done to them and how I could get back in their good graces. I thought it was because I did not experiment with some of the things they had, was too boring or something along those lines. I found out after graduation that one of my best friends had actually been the one to do something against me.
I then transitioned from sad to mad. Over the years we would exchange pleasantries if we ran into each other, but I always heard derogatory terms when thinking of her. I finally realized this year that I have to forgive her. Not for her, because I don't think there is some sort of forgiveness sensor that she will pick up on. Because it is better for me. I hold on to things for a long time because I spend too much time thinking about how others feel. I don't really understand impulsive people as so many of my actions have come after careful deliberation. As this happened during Easter I thought W.W.J.D and for course the simple answer is forgive. He has already forgiven her, why am I still judging her for something she did as an adolescent I am sure it was hard on her too and that is why she couldn't face me. If she had been shameless we would still be friends until I found out what happened.
Forgiveness the gift that keeps on giving:)

Unrealistic private expections

So I have been trying so hard to have my blog read by the "masses" :) Now it seems that the inspiration for my initial blog entry has happened upon my blog. I feel conflicted about this. My first thought was to edit or remove the post. Or to remove the places I have listed the URL for my blog. There is also the other part of me that always wanted her to know exactly how I felt, but didn't want the words to come out of my mouth. I hate confrontation and go to great lengths to avoid it.
At this point there is nothing to be done it was read, maybe by the infamous former friend.... and I thought I had enough things to think about. :) Oh life you never fail to disappoint.
I have been thinking about this relationship recently and wondering if I didn't just react to my initial emotions to hastily. It would all be so much easier if I had just acted as if nothing happened. But I also think just as I have to adjust to how my friends are, they have to do the same for me. I don't know what I could have done prior to the incident to prevent it or to prepare myself for it. I can't expend too much energy in trying to do so. I am who I am, I think how I think, and I feel the way I feel. I can't change how people interact with me, but I can choose who I interact with.
I do miss my friend and the good things about the relationship, but I don't miss the negative things that I thought about myself and my relationships when talking to this friend about them. So que sera, sera. I wish happiness and success to all of my friends current and former. I also claim happiness for myself.

Proud Teacher

So this year I started something new with my youngest group of dancers. Instead of just focusing on the dance that we will perform at the end of the year, I have also started doing combos every two weeks. The aim of this was to get them really thinking and feeling in hip hop. They take so many other classes (ballet, jazz, lyrical, modern) that if we only do one dance in hip hop it is still pretty foreign to them.
Today I had them make up their own hip hop combo and the proud non-mama in me came out. Yes the dance was just my moves put in a new order but they had their hip hop faces on and really thought about what moves worked best with the music. I love it when a plan comes together :)

Stacia and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

So yesterday was a, for lack of a better word, sucky day. I found out that I would be moving a child out of town and everything that was supposed to occur on a certain time table took twice as long as I planned. I was not in control of the days events and missed out on another obligation to complete this surprise day. My 8 to 5 day turned into a 10 to 10 day.
At some point during the day when I was whining to myself I realized that for me this day was an inconvenience for the child I was moving it was a possible life altering day. One that may change the course of his life. At that moment I stopped pitying myself and allowed the day to progress as it was anyway. I also tried to make the day as smooth form my kiddo as I could.
Look at me experiencing emotional growth and stuff :) It only took me 4 1/2 years in this job to get over myself and put things in perspective.

Lesson learned.....at a funeral

This past (March 17th) weekend I attended my best friend's grandfather's funeral services. I was there to help my friend through her loss. As I sat through the service some feelings that I thought I had handled resurfaced. Two summers ago I lost my grandfather, we were not that close due to the distance and my belief that he was a little scary. Yes I know I am 24 (at the time I was), but my five year old self always reemerged when I was around him.
 Several months after that I lost a teacher who had been like a mother to me during a really tough period in my life. She was diagnosed with cancer in my senior year of high school and I left for college soon after that. She often wanted me to come by to see her, but when I am honest with myself I know that I didn't because I didn't like the way cancer had taken the life and zest out of her.
So the unintended outcome of this funeral was that I saw how selfish I can be at times. I allowed my fear of death to keep me from a woman who supported me and didn't judge when she needed support. I avoided the type of relationship that I wanted with my grandfather because I couldn't see him through grown up eyes.
Though it is over stated enjoy the people in your lives while they are there, love them completely. Know them completely. Love is not selfish. Don't have regrets in any relationship that you cherish, it only deepens the loss.

Just another lazy Saturday

Even my bird Daizy appreciates a lazy Saturday. As adults its easy to feel guilty about taking naps and other time to ourselves. But I feel it is necessary for healthy adults and helps us get through all of the unselfish times when we do for others. If you can take some time for yourself today. I know I will :)<3

Are you really ready for love? part 2

"You will receive love only to your ability to be vulnerable enough to let it in. Love between two people is a fearless state of being where who you are and who they are is given and received without fear of engulfment or abandon. The underlying belief of this state is complete trust regardless of outcome."

- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

"It is not love that is to blame. But each of us has resistance to the very love we desire. We also have resistance to the space and independence we need. So we go back and forth, not letting ourselves have one or the other. It all boils down to this: Are you willing to have your relationships be a pathway to fully revealing yourself and your potential? If you answer is Yes, real intimacy can be yours on a daily basis."

- Gay Hendricks, is a psychologist and writer.

These quotes from theDailylove.com really hit home for me. Questions all us single people and some attached people should consider.

The attack of the greens

Starting a new diet tomorrow look at all the green stuff that has taken over my fridge!

And Speaking of Boxes

I am currently sitting in southern food restaurant in Atlanta it is quite busy and I am eating alone. I came for business and usually would have it grabbed something fast and gone to the hotel, look at me branching out. The added bonus...the food is great!

Are you really ready for love?

If you are anything like me you have read many articles, watched shows, opened emails all in the hope of discovering a solution to a problem in a certain area of your life.

For me that area is LOVE. It seems to be the thing I am always chasing and running away from. Heck its even my nickname.

What I have discovered is that you can't really look to others for insight into yourself especially thorough blanket statements, maybe in one on one sessions with someone professional *ahem me in a few years :)

My issue with love is that I have been without it for so many years that when I am confronted with something that looks like it could go that direction I often run. I ususally do this by pushing/scaring people away. In my job I am trained to look for possible issues that would arise later, I am over worked and stressed. This translates into my relationship self. I feel pressure to be coupled up and that I am always pressed for time. So I don't feel that I have time to waste on dating one person for a long period of time only to find that they are not the one. I immediately begin looking for possible problems that would lead to a break-up down the road. I also don't know how to relinquish control. I don't remember relationship me. She was sweet and kind and allowed the man to take control in some areas, the me of today thinks of those things after it is too late if at all.

As a worrier it is hard for me to hear people say "just don't worry about it you will find the person who is meant for you". Of course I am going to worry about it, especially when I feel that every other area of my life is on target. I believe that God is in control, and what is supposed to happen will. That doesn't mean that His plan for me is to be married with 2.5 children and that is hard for me to accept.

Quotable quotes

"The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it. "- Mother Teresa

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy."

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."

- Og Mandino

"Don't let your successes/victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart."

-Various

Peaceful living in the technology age an oxymoron?

During a visit to a local nail salon today I noticed a few weird occurrences. One woman was talking loudly on her bluetooth device while walking around the salon ignoring the manicurist who was trying to assist her, another was on a call while having her nails done and when she could no longer operate the phone asked the manicurist to do so for her. Seeing this yet another woman in the salon made a call and talked loudly for a few minutes, during this conversation the topic was what Facebook page picture she had displayed (she could not remember). Maybe I am the only one who views nail/hair salons and spas as peaceful areas but I just can't believe this. I typically silence my phone, try to forget it exists and only text to facilitate other's resting. I have also noticed other people having phone conversations in the spa and wonder when phones will be sewn to our heads so that we really never have to be away from them.

Ms B

A warm smile,
a warmer heart,
a kind word,
an unchanging positive view,
faith in life and your place in it,
experience that has made you this secure,
a smart ass reply to those too negative to receive the positive,
years of "free love" and fun,
advice that is hands off

All of these things describe a woman who's warmth is too great to measure.  A woman that is like a grandmother to me who's health and wellness is ever on my mind. Until you are well enough to sit in your chair and share a much needed talk with me, there will be a sadness in my heart. But I have faith that what the Lord has in store for you is what is best and I know that it was his plan for you to enter and change my life forever. Thank you.

Boxed in

In life we often encounter boxes, by this I mean preconceived notions that others have of us. Not only those but the limits that we place on ourselves based on our self esteem.
My boxes are shy, innocent, goody two shoes, loner, mean etc.
I don't feel that I really personify any of these but give of the appearance of them at times. I have often utilized many tools to keep people at arms length such as being mean to guys that I am afraid to open up to, playing innocent so that I am not judged negatively for my mis-steps and seeming shy because I don't feel that everyone should be privy to the real me.
I wonder at times why I do these things and why I allow others beliefs about me to actually leak into my self concept. I am quiet at times, loud at others, morally driven but a sinner nonetheless, a great and loyal friend and so nice that at times I give too much of myself to those I love.
I challenge everyone to live up to the greatest you, you can be and to not live in any box you don't like. Instead of arguing with those who tell you who you are show them by surprising them with your actions. This is also my challenge to myself and I can't wait to see the change that it will have on my own self concept.

Blog topic of the day to come later, stepping out of your box and the boxes others have made for you

When teasing isn't funny

Everyone has experienced teasing at some point in their lives. It can sometimes be a weird feeling in which you want it to end, but also pretend it doesn't bother you as that is what is expected.
Have you every asked why you pretend? If something hurts your feelings why humor the person that is causing you pain? Isn't most teasing based on truth? If so then is it really all in good fun or just a way for others to point out your short comings in blame free way?
I challenge the philosophy that you should simply play along when the teasing is painful for you. I am by no means against light hearted joking between friends that is very loosely (if at all) based on reality. But in a socieity where kids are encouraged to take a joke or laugh at themselves, and bullying is rampant how are we suppposed to know where to draw the lines?

*Just random thoughts from the sensitive child from your elementary school class :)

Second guessing

Today I find myself second guessing some recent decisions I have made. I also wonder if maybe I am too sensitive, ask to much of others and overreact. I am sure similar thoughts occur to others so I have developed a few affirmations that I need to tell myself on days like this.

I am the way God intended me to be.
Not everyone will like me, that is okay.
Everyone that comes through your life is not meant to stay.
It is okay to do things others may not understand for my own sanity.

I wonder if you have to spend too much time contemplating a decision do you already have your answer?

Advice: When to heed

I have often asked friends and family for advice in my relationships and other situations. I have noticed that because I value their opinion so much it often alters my view about my situation. This leads me to the question of: When should you heed other's advice and when should you simply live in your own thought processes?

I have developed a philosophy to limit the negativity in my life. Most recently this led me to the decision to "unfriend" a co-worker both in the virtual and real world. I struggle with this because I am a mate-for-lifer.
I had always found her communication and friendship style a little lacking. There were put-downs, Facebook stalking of a guy that I was dating and constant questioning about my love life. I also felt that there was some jealousy on her part. I did a lot of work to try to build her self-esteem by encouraging her, but it didn't seem to take. Everything came to a head when she discussed how hot a guy that I previously dated was and then stated that she would be intimate with him, did I mention this was in a car full of my co-workers including my boss.
I am a very private person and would like only my best friends to know what is going on in my personal life and then for them not to discuss it in public. I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. There was yelling and then she ended by telling me that I needed to unfriend a hot guy that we both know that she has a crush on. For a second I thought I was back in middle school were a crush meant ownership.
I had a run in with her and when I froze when she greeted me expletives could be heard from her. This is the exact thing I need less of. It also reiterated that she doesn't know me as I don't handle conflict well and do all I can to avoid it. But now that one awkward moment is out of the way I can go about my positive life with one less negative weight on my shoulders.